[nerves & blood]

to him.

[nerves]

you've got some nerve, don't you?

double standards and slammed doors.
demolition and darr.
anxiety and audacity.

i'm customised, accustomed to your antics.
your car nearing my house,
the sound your car halting.

your keys jiggling,
the sound of your steps.

your lips muttering curses,
the sound of your breath.

you've got some nerve, don't you?

my axons spanned tightly
from my room to yours.
vibrating.
carrying currents, electric signals.
shaking.
carrying the signals
from your mouth
straight to my heart
–bull's-eye.

my nerves serve you far better
than my heart possibly could.
they morph, adapt
into
a boundary,
one you keep crossing.
a challenge,
one you keep failing.
a plea,
one you ignore.

i no longer call you by your role,
you fail to step up to it.
my voice though– it cracks trying to call for you.
but you'd never feel spoken to anyways,
or would you?

keep talking, no please.
i love your raised voice,
the echo of it in my neighbourhood.

i love the way the floor shakes,
trembling at your sight.

i'm more steadfast than this flimsy floor,
i stand my ground.

but only pliable am i lovable to you.

at my weakest i curse this darned mirror
– why must it show me
your eyes as mine?

rip them out.
i'd rather not see than
see me as you,
see the you in me.


[blood]

you were my first love,
my first disappointment.
one of many,
all of them trials in this dunya.

meri dunya, you so sweetly said.
i used to be your whole world
...but who changed?

you drew first blood.

i was vulnerable,
caught in the sweet web of honeyed praises.
does honey naturally turn this bitter,
or was it simply you?

you drew first blood.

can the spillage of violence spell
l o v e ?

my bleeding ears,
they drown in the cacophony of your presence.
you make yourself known, heard.
why not scarce?

forever caught in the tides of your mood,
whiplashed by your duplicitious whims.
why can't today be the same as yesterday?
i yearn for a resolve,
one strengthened by the times it applied.

yearn?

i yearn for
stability amidst the engulfing waves of you.

i yearn for
a me, unshaped by you.
but only pliable am i lovable to you.

we both bleed in words,
mine burn these pages
and yours burn me.

---

cover image credits, got nothing else left to say 🧍🏽‍♀️